Chapter
8 : Strategies for Relationship
“let
us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good
deeds”
(Heb
10:24)
Because relationships in the body of Christ are really the building
blocks of the church (Eph 2:19-22) we need to go back over the previous
chapters and see how, in a practical way, we can go about creating a
secure church as far as the relationships in the church at large are
concerned. We will be considering relationships in ministry later but
for now we'll simply concentrate on general relationships.
8.1
Recap
Let's quickly take note again the things we've considered
earlier on:
Chapter
3
•
Church is all about relationships.
•
Church often seems to be made up of people
very different to me.
•
Sometimes their behaviour is quite different
from mine – but that may be
cultural!
•
Sometimes their appearance is very different
to mine and that can be
threatening.
•
We can often be left feeling inadequate
in the way we respond to ‘different'
people
•
Understanding their past helps me accept
them as they are.
Chapter
4
•
Church is made up of imperfect people
– but we wish they were perfect!
•
Sanctification is a process, a gradual
and slow process – but we want people
to change quickly.
•
Change can be outward (cosmetic) or inward
(real).
•
God works with us to bring change in
us.
•
There are reasons why people sometimes
are slow to change
•
we need to accept one another while we're
waiting for change.
Chapter
5
•
The New Testament speaks often about
things we are to do together.
•
Togetherness has many benefits.
•
Immaturity is a very real factor in church
life.
To summarise those early chapters – relationships
are important and need working at! Will that happen automatically or
do we need to structure our approach to it?
8.2
The Corporate Approach
We need to go for this subject of relationships at two
levels: corporate and individual. Let's start with the corporate approach.
What we are considering here is first of all the way people feel in
the environment of the local church which will then affect how they
relate to one another. In what follows I'll share the approach that
we used, purely to illustrate more fully some of the aspects of this
that works towards creating a secure church. The following are suggested
stages for bringing this about:
1.
Awareness
At the corporate level first of all the leadership
and then the church at large needs to come to an awareness that we need
to put developing Christian relationships and the way we feel about
‘being church' high on the agenda. Some may do this in the form of a
‘Mission Statement', others might use alternative less ‘organisational'
approaches. Our own Mission Statement starts out:
“
To create a growing community of God's people that is loving,
accepting and caring…”.
Yours may express it differently but with the same intent no
doubt, but the key question is, if you have a Mission Statement or something
similar, can you actually quote it - for that is a clear sign of how
important it is to you. The way you come to this awareness will, of
course, vary. It may be by the use of this book, it may come through
reading other books on the subject, it may come about by a crisis that
makes you face the whole question, or it may come by other motivating
forces that God may already be using to challenge you about the environment
that exists within your church.
Working
on the ‘Community' aspect
Remember
our Mission statement starts, “ To create a growing community
of God's people…”
So,
remember, we start with clarifying a Target and then
the Means to achieve it:
i)
The Target to aim for:
We
broke the Target for “Community” down
as follows:
a)
Aims:
•
We each see ourselves as part of the
larger family (i.e. we're not just lone
Christians)
•
We're all working together for deeper
relationships in the family (i.e. we're
going to actively pursue this)
b)
Shown by:
•
Visible signs of close relationships
•
People being together socially and spiritually
c)
Achieved when:
•
most of us
have an awareness of a sense of unity and security, being part of
a wider family wanting to be together. (NB. in a growing church there
will always be new people who haven't yet come into this awareness
, but we can aim for a ‘ Most
of us' outcome )
Note
the Strategy:
The overall target needs various specific things (Aims) to bring the
whole about, but merely stating those aims is insufficient; we need
to say how we are going to recognise them (‘Shown by') when they are
achieved, and actually what we will see/hear/feel when they are achieved
(‘Achieved by')
ii)
Working out the Means
We
then broke the Means for “Community”
down as follows:
d)
Thinking:
•
We need to change our perception from
“just me” to “part of a family” (i.e.
we must stop thinking in isolation)
e)
Teaching
•
We need to teach that we are sons and
daughter in God's family
•
We need to teach how to relate to other
people
f)
Approach
•
As well as teaching we need to make use
of times away together which
build us in fellowship and in relationships
g)
Specifics
•
Particular planned times away and general
activities that build us together.
(The retreat in Book One was a specific example of this
being worked out)
Note
the Strategy: In working
out the means to achieve our Target, there almost certainly will need
a change in thinking in the church as a whole (Thinking). Now to achieve
this change in the way we think, we will need to teach it (Teaching).
But teaching it using words is insufficient; we also need to think how
we can work at it practically (Approach) but then we mustn't leave this
as just ideas; we must make concrete plans to do it (Specifics).
Working
on the ‘loving, accepting and caring' aspect
Similarly
another one of the components was “ Loving, accepting and
caring ”.
We
broke the Target for “ Loving etc .”
down as follows:
a)
Aims:
•
We accept all others and express love
towards them
•
We're all seeking together to express
love and care to all others
b)
Shown by:
•
People feel welcome, valued and cared
for
•
People's lives are being changed by love
c)
Achieved when:
•
We are genuinely a people who are changing
by being loved and accepted
and ministered to within the local church, and
many of us are aware of the
church being a secure environment.
We
then broke the Means for “ Loving etc .”
down as follows:
d)
Thinking:
•
We need to change our perception from
“bless me” to “how can we bless
others with our love?”
e)
Teaching
•
We need to teach that we are accepted
by Christ as we are, i.e. we need to
see his example of loving acceptance.
•
We need to teach how to accept, love
and care for one another.
f)
Approach
•
We structure our church life to ensure
caring goes on individually and in groups
g)
Specifics
•
We identified specific ways and structures
by which we would encourage
caring and ensure everyone in the church was covered.
Communicating
to All
We
wanted to communicate this to as many people in the church as possible
and so when it came to communicating this to our teenagers we simplified
it as follows:
Simplified
for Teens: Community
What
it means: Community is about
‘togetherness', working together to deepen our relationships, to see
ourselves as one big family, working together for a common purpose.
What
we can do:
•
Take opportunities to be together socially
& spiritually to build up one
another
•
Spend time together with a purpose
•
Get to youth gatherings in the church
and be a participator in what the
group does
•
Encourage others to do the same
•
Where possible join in activities of
the whole church.
Simplified
for Teens: Loving, Accepting and Caring
What
it means : Jesus told us to
love one another and this community should be a loving place where all
are accepted and cared for.
What
we can do:
•
Work at making others always feel welcome,
loved and cared for, yet not
afraid to challenge to be holy
•
Listen to one another, pray for one another
and help one another to go on
with Christ
•
Put yourself out to accept and involve
everyone who comes along, so all
feel safe and welcome and no one feels left out
•
Have sharing/caring times of praying
for each other's problems
•
Form a “Caring Pair” with an older person
(for caring / mentoring )
Our complete Mission Statement goes onto speak about
us being a faith people who serve one another and the world outside,
so other components we explained were about Growing
(reaching out to others with the Gospel), moving in Faith
(listening to and responding to God), Serving
in the church and outside it. I've only deal with the
two components above because they particularly focus on the matter of
being a secure church. I would also add that we consider that we are
still very much in the early days of this.
3.
Implementation.
After the vision has been communicated it is essential
that it is practically implemented and checks are established to ensure
that 3, 6 and 9 months on, it is still being worked at. Part of that
implementation must be an ongoing programme, in the midst of all else
we feel called to do, of preaching and teaching to raise and maintain
awareness and understanding of these issues. That teaching can come
from the front on a Sunday or within midweek groups - yet it does need
to come!
The reality is that because we are the less-than-perfect
individuals that we are, we will fall away from working at this, given
half a chance! It will need to be reinforced and seen to be a primary
value in the eyes of all the leadership if our church is to be able
to develop and become a truly secure church. Until we are able to bring
each person into an awareness of who they are in Christ, and how Christ
feels about their brothers and sisters, we will never achieve a secure
church. In that sense, therefore we will never achieve it because there
will always be new people being added, but that is not to stop us continually
aiming to create it.
8.3
A Caring Environment Starts in Meetings
A vital element for a secure church is that people do genuinely
feel cared for. While we do need to be emphasising and encouraging evangelism,
gifted ministry equipping and so on (i.e. outward looking activities
and expression of church life) we also need to be putting in place means
of actively caring for people every time they gather together.
It is possible that when you start reading what follows you may think,
"This is obvious! Why is he bothering with all this mundane stuff!"
The answer to that, is that I have been into too many churches
where these things are clearly NOT obvious and have clearly NOT been
thought about, so bear with me and perhaps ask yourself, have we paid
attention to each of these details?
These things may sound very mundane but a sense of being cared for starts
at the moment a visitor comes through the doors, continues through the
duration of the meeting, and goes on right up to the time they are walking
away from the building.
Post
Meeting Caring
There are those who advocate that such
caring should go on even after that point, but follow-up of individuals
in this way can only occur if you know who they are and where you can
contact them. Obtaining this information can come either formally by
asking visitors to fill in information cards, or informally by individuals
who have been talking with visitors and have found out where they live
and so on. If visitors have friends in the congregation, then follow
up is simple. Caring in the context of post-meeting follow up needs
to be availability with practical help or at the very least the offer
of prayer and a listening ear concern.
Entry
Level Caring
Caring within the meeting can be at a very simple
and practical level. True caring shows that those in charge of the meeting
have thought about those meeting with them and have sought to minister
to their needs. When visitors come in they probably do not know what
they should do, where they should go and so on. The style of meeting
will, of course, dictate somewhat the approach to the welcome given.
More traditional churches where the gathering of the people tends to
be in a more subdued manner, where quiet ‘reverent' (as it is seen)
waiting for the start of the meeting, does not lend itself to the warm
expressive welcome found in the newer churches where the gathering of
the saints tends to be more like a family reunion.
Opening
Moves
Where there are visitors, then the job of the leader at
the beginning of the meeting must be to put them at ease and explain
the style of worship and the likely form of the meeting. If the service
follows a standard format the visitor should know where he or she should
be in a prayer book, or the likely order in other traditional
services where no such book is being used. In a meeting where the worship
tends to be largely ongoing singing, people do need to know that they
can sit down whenever they want. For those with the traditional hymn-prayer
sandwich form of service it is very much easier to simply follow what
the rest are doing, but for a freer more expressive worship-gathering
where the Holy Spirit is allowed greater freedom to move it is vital
that people are put at ease over what is likely to happen and what is
expected of them as far as participation is concerned. These are all
caring issues that can add to or detract from a feeling of security.
Environmental
Caring
The very environment in which the would-be worshippers finds themselves
is also important. The use of overhead transparencies or a video projector
says a lot. The worship leader who simply moves on to a new song or
chorus without any backup transparency, and in the absence of a song
book may be leaving visitors feeling highly self-conscious at not knowing
the words.
Where the transparency words or projected words are
so small that anyone on the back row will have to strain to read them,
we have a leadership that doesn't care, hasn't thought about it, and
probably has perfect vision! Older members of the congregation will
feel no one understands that their vision is no longer perfect and may
feel quite insecure in such a situation. To expect such people to sit
on the front row is highly unrealistic - so don't expect it! The larger
the room the better the quality of the overhead projector and better
the quality of transparencies required.
Failure in this realm raises a question mark over the caring
by the leaders for the people meeting with them. Projecting onto a wall
at an angle so that words are distorted and difficult to read also says
we don't care about you. The poor use of the projector so that words
are not focused is the same. These are simple issues to think about,
and training people to properly use the projector is not difficult!
You think this is all mundane stuff? Look at what you do
in your church, or travel around and see how bad so many churches are
in this respect!
Churches that have moved on to use computers and
video projectors to project words and pictures, often fall into the
trap of trying to be too clever with the visual effects which, although
done with the best of intentions, still provide distractions or problems
for the people. Here we have to ask the question, why do we have the
high technology? Is it to gratify the whims of a high-tech wizard in
the church, or is it to genuinely bless the people? It needs thinking
about.
The same is true of the sound system in a large room with
many people. Poor quality amplified sound, either too high or too low,
produces a problem for some people. A caring community thinks about
these things and seeks to meet the people where they are, complete with
their less than perfect vision or hearing. For those with hearing aids,
a loop system is essential where possible.
High windows without curtains where the sun shines through
and blinds some of the congregation are simply another problem to be
overcome by caring administrators. Each of these practical things to
do with the building, are things that reveal whether we are truly a
caring and considerate church that tries to overcome the difficulties
that our people may face.
These may sound trivial things, but if they do appear like that
to you, it is simply that you have not had a problem with them yet -
some of your people may have! As I said previously, I've been to a number
of churches where these simple practical matters have clearly never
been thought about, and the experience of the congregation is poorer
as a consequence.
Midweek
Activities
So far we have considered how
the leadership can approach the whole subject of working on corporate
relationships and caring for people in Sunday meetings. Now we need
to consider other areas of our church life together. The meetings that
each church has will of course be unique to that church, so the easiest
thing to say here is that if we are to have a secure church, it is vital
that we are full of grace and truth (as Jesus was - Jn 1:14). Truth
means that we are real and that we seek to do away with anything that
speaks of unreality or pretence. Grace means we look to the Lord to
help us be loving and caring in the context of every meeting we have.
We'll deal with this fully in the chapter on ministry,
but for the while can we ask ourselves, in every meeting we have:
•
is there an opportunity for people to
be real?
•
is there an opportunity for God's love
to be shared between people?
Structured
Caring
In a secure church when people have problems they share
them, and when they share them they do so in the belief that help is
at hand - from you! So, in a large church you have a lot of people wanting
help, and one man can't handle it. For an answer you'll need to go back
to the chapter on team ministry, but when you get there, remember, it's
in the context of creating a secure, caring environment!
8.4
Individual Strategies
While the church leadership can structure the life of the church
to be caring and sharing, it's also helpful if each of us can adopt
our own personal strategy for loving, accepting, caring and sharing.
It's at this point we need to go back to the Scriptures:
Rom
12:6 We have different
gifts, according to the grace given us
This small part of a verse encapsulates what Paul is saying in
the verses before and after it: we are different! Why emphasise our
differences when we're talking about strategies for togetherness? To
show you the impossibility of the task! You will be good at doing some
things and not so good at other things. To do this thing you're going
to need God's help. You're going to need wisdom, patience, perseverance
as well as the more obvious love. Whatever you do, if it's going to
be effective, you need to ask the Lord for help.
Suggestions
for People-People
Some of us are incredibly good with people; others of us
are not. If you are one of those ‘people-people' recognise that you
are one of those that God uses to glue the church together. You're someone
who naturally gets on with anyone. OK, act as a bridge for others who
don't relate so easily. Be a means of bringing them together through
your happy, relaxed approach to people. Put them at ease with one another.
Set up situations where they come together with you over coffee or a
meal and you act as the softening agent between them.
Suggestions
for Different-People
Perhaps that is not you. You're someone who doesn't feel
at ease with people who are not the same as you - in fact you may not
feel at ease with people - full stop! You just feel different. That's
all right, but you don't have to write yourself off and say, “I can't
do anything to create a secure church.” Yes you can, it just means you
have to think about it a bit more.
There are two things you can do with God's
help: