Chapter
14 : Secure in Correction - Practice
“Brothers,
if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should
restore
him gently”
(Gal
6:1 )
In the previous chapter we began considering some of the
issues that arise in church when we start talking about correction.
In this chapter we're going to continue to do that but now we'll do
it by thinking of areas where correction needs to be brought, practical
applications, ways of bringing correction, and security for those bringing
correction. In each case, please remember, we are thinking about bringing
correction in a way that creates a secure church.
Most of this chapter will be taken up with considerations
about
- Preparing
to confront issues, and then
- Confronting
the issues
but will be finish with briefly acknowledging that sometimes
it doesn't work, and also the fear of loss of identity that some people
have when facing such issues.
14.1
Preparation
Recap:
Clarifying the Goals
Whatever we
do, we want the best for the person or people before us. Ultimately
we want them flowing in the very best way in their relationship with
Jesus. As we considered in the previous chapter, with some failings,
if we are a leader we have a duty to confront. Other things that perhaps
need correcting simply need godly counsel. In every case, however, we
need to remember that the Christian before us is precious to God (Acts
20:28 - purchased with his own blood). We want a good outcome
and we want to come with love and respect. Perhaps an approach might
be to think, “If I were in their shoes, how would I hope I am about
to be treated?”
The
Variety of Situations
Let's just pick up on what we said above. Correction can
cover a wide spectrum of things that require a variety of responses,
and to help us get a sense of overview at the beginning let's be aware
of those. In the previous chapter we considered moral and non-moral
issues, serious wilful sin and heedless sin. So let's set up some simple
scenarios where ‘correction' needs to be brought. In each case assume
you are the leader involved and it's in a church context:
- Something
in you senses that the relationship between one of your leaders (a
married man) and another woman in the congregation is far more than
it seems. You feel certain there is an illicit relationship.
- A
child from one of the church families has been confiding in her Sunday
School teacher that “Daddy has me in bed with him when Mummy is away
on courses” and there is a clear indication that she has been abused.
- Word
has come back through the grapevine to you that two of the teenagers
in the youth group are sleeping together regularly.
- The
same word says that drugs are being offered around the youth group.
- A
complaint has come about the language of Jack, a middle aged man who
has only recently come to the Lord.
- It's
come to your attention that Mr. and Mrs. Grey frequently have rows
at home and there is obviously a marital breakdown taking place.
- Alec's
wife has come to see you to confide in you that she is worried about
Alec who obviously has a major gambling problem.
- Brenda
and Chris have confessed to you that they have serious financial problems.
- Dave
is an elderly Christian who is always worrying.
- In
a light hearted conversation recently Eve commented how her husband
just went ahead and bought a new piece of furniture without any reference
to her.
- Fred,
a middle aged bachelor, appears to have deteriorating health which
is causing worry to his friends because he refuses to go and see a
doctor.
- A
couple of parents in the church have shared their worries with you
about their nineteen year old son, Greg, who has been coming home
late, clearly the worse for wear with drink and who refuses to discuss
it.
- Hilary
is a girl in the congregation who has been going around giving a ‘word
from the Lord' to a number of people, some of whom have not been pleased
by what she has passed on.
- Ivan,
the worship leader, seems to have fallen into a rut as far as the
songs he chooses each week and complaints have been coming about the
sameness of the worship.
What have we got in these scenarios? A wide variety
of situations involving issues that range from serious wilful sins to
unwise behaviour done for the best of (wrong) motives.
Right
Person for the Right Job
We've just indicated that correction may apply to
a wide range of situations. Later on we'll distinguish between the need
to confront and the need to counsel. For now we'll simply say that sin
needs confronting and unwise behaviour needs godly counsel (i.e. wisdom
to remedy messed up practical matters). Historically the pastor, minister,
vicar, elder, call him what you will, has been required to deal with
every situation, yet the reality may be that he's not the best
person to deal with every situation.
Consider
the following:
Gwen is a single mother of three who has become
a Christian. Her lifestyle up until becoming a Christian has included,
sleeping with any man who is available, constantly rowing with her family,
spending her money without thought, allowing her young children to stay
up late watching late night horror and sex movies - and stealing. Now
she's become a Christian.
Without doubt she's got some problems and the leaders
of her church could perhaps suggest she might like to enter a discipling
course the church has. There are several stages to this:
- The
first stage is TEACHING or informing Gwen what has happened to her
in terms of her being born again and now being a child of God (A change
in UNDERSTANDING who she is ). Involved in this may be introducing
her to the concept of regular personal Bible reading and prayer, as
disciplines that will help her get to know God better.
- The
second stage is TEACHING her and helping her see the practical implications
this has in terms of a different lifestyle. (A change in understanding
what is acceptable now ). Foremost in this is the guidance
away from a promiscuous lifestyle and from stealing. Now in one sense
that is simple. It just means stop doing it!
- The
third stage of her discipling programme is going to be more long term
for it requires providing TEACHING, help and guidance for her in practical
matters. This will be in respect of her long term behaviour concerning
the way she relates to her family, the way she looks after her children
and the way she spends her money. These are things that will require
long term guidance and help.
Is it fair to expect the pastor-leader to take on
these three stage of discipling? No, for the following reasons:
•
This is long term and he probably hasn't
the time.
•
He would be in a situation of a man helping
a woman, probably in the home
context, and this puts them both into a place of vulnerability
where a
wrong relationship could develop.
•
Some of these practical matters can be
far better dealt with by other
individuals within the church.
Many churches today are developing a pastoral team approach.
For initial basic teaching about the Christian faith and what has happened
to her, Gwen could be put in contact with a mature Christian woman (a
mentor) who would take her through a simple and basic course that covers
the matters in Stage 1 above.
During that course, it will become evident to the mentor
that there are areas of Gwen's life where she needs help to adjust.
That mentor may consider that some of Gwen's problems need the help
of those who are more experienced. If the mentor doesn't have children
of her own, she may wish to pass that area of help over to someone who
has had a family. There may be people in the church who are particularly
skilled at unravelling finances who might help Gwen in that area. There
may also be someone who is trained in interpersonal skills who could
help Gwen relate better with her family.
What we're saying here is that security can be brought
by a variety of helpers who each only carry a part of the burden, the
part that they are best dealing with. It may take a while to develop
such a personnel resource but it is worth the effort in training such
people to meet the needs that are bound to arise in the long term.
Checking
My Attitude
Now before we move on, if we are working to be a secure
church, there are certain attitudinal questions we need to ask ourselves
by way of preparation:
- Is
my heart full of love for this person?
- If
it is, then how can I help them bring change to their situation?
- Do
I understand what they feel in their life situation at present?
- What
are they likely to feel if I just plough in with a hard nosed confrontation?
- How
may I approach them in a way that conveys understanding, care and
concern?
- What
may we need to do as a church to bring support to them in the long
term?
- How
can
we make them feel loved and accepted and not a rejected failure?
14.2
Confrontation
Checking
my Approach
We are looking for a good outcome - repentance,
not denial or self justification - so the way we approach this person
is important. We need to learn an important lesson: the way we speak
to someone and then the way we listen to them will evoke a similar response-type
to that which they have received. Let's consider various aspects of
this:
1.
Words
First of all our WORDS are very important, not only the
actual words that we speak but the way we speak them. Tone
of voice is as important as the words. Hardness of speech indicates
hardness of intent. Proverbs 15:1 says: A gentle answer
turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger . It is also
true of a gentle approach .
Not only that, a harsh approach will simply stir up defensive
anger. Proverbs 25:15 says: Through patience a ruler can be persuaded,
and a gentle tongue can break a bone. This person we are confronting
rules their life and we want to persuade them to change their rule,
so take it slowly, don't be in a rush. Not only that, a gentle word
can be very powerful and break the hardest resistance.
2.
Listening
The way we listen will be picked up by this person and
they will respond in similar manner. We need to listen because they
will want to express their side of things and they will want to know
that they have been heard. We don't have to agree with what they say,
but we need to let them say it and we need to let them know that we
have heard and have taken in what they say. In this process it is important
to convey that we are listening with an open and attentive heart.
If we convey criticism in our listening then we will only
evoke defensiveness in their response. If we don't listen to them they
won't listen to us. We want them to listen and take in what we're saying
because we need to deliver corrective words which we want them to receive.
Proverbs 25:12 says: Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine
gold is a wise man's rebuke to a listening ear . For our
correction to come over as something precious and worth attention, we
have first to gain their listening ear. In most correction situations
the other person will initially only be wanting to justify their behaviour.
When they realise we're not out to get them, they will be less defensive
and more ready to accept the truth about their behaviour.
3.
Body Language
Relaxed body language says, “I am not attacking you”,
so a relaxed easy stance helps. Tapping with a finger or some other
nervous movement says, “This is difficult, here is something difficult
and dangerous” and that will only accentuate what that person already
feels. Attentive body language says, “I care about you.” so looking
away, appearing distracted and similar movements taking your focus away
from them can also hinder.
4.
Being There for Them
Somehow in all our communication we must communicate
that we are not there to ‘get' this person but we are there to help
and bless them. If they can believe we are genuinely there for them,
they will be far more willing to be honest about what happened - including
owning up to the fact that they were wrong.
5.
Relationship
Very often a person's failure is linked to the fact
that they have not had a relationship with leaders and therefore did
not receive the support and encouragement which they might have otherwise
had. To turn up in a person's life only after they have failed is poor
leadership. It may be that part of the corrective process is acknowledging
that we have failed to support them and failed to be there for them
previously. Part of the helping them through may be to commit yourself
to remedy that and ensure that you will be there to stand alongside
them in the days ahead when they seek to bring long term change to their
life.
Public
or Private Sin
Something that does perhaps need considering beforehand
is whether this is a public issue or not. Is this an issue that comes
into the public domain? For instance helping bring peace to a domestic
situation should go no further than the family, but if someone has been
abusing a congregation by their behaviour then making public reference
to it may be appropriate. Where the sin affects the life of the congregation
then there probably needs to be a public referral, e.g. where a leader
has been caught out in a major sin then, for the sake of the congregation,
to ensure trust in the rest of the leadership, it would be wise for
that leader to be stood down and, assuming there has been full repentance,
be put on some kind of probation period. If the individual is confessing
to a crime then he or she should be encouraged to confess to the police
to take the punishment that the State demands. In matters of sexual
abuse, in the U.K. at least, there is a legal demand upon leaders to
report instances of such abuse to the Police and Social Services where
a child is at risk.
14.3
Confront or Counsel
Correction as we saw earlier in this chapter may
come in many different forms. Where we are talking about sin we need
to be directly confronting it but where we are talking about a lesser
issue, we may be needing simply to bring godly counsel.
Let's
consider some of the list of difficulties we listed earlier and see
how this applies:
i)
Confrontation needed in the following cases
- Something
in you senses that the relationship between one of your leaders (a
married man) and another woman in the congregation is far more than
it seems. You feel certain there is an illicit relationship.
- A
child from one of the church families has been confiding in her Sunday
School teacher that “Daddy has me in bed with him when Mummy is away
on courses” and there is a clear indication that she has been abused.
- Word
has come back through the grapevine to you that two of the teenagers
in the youth group are sleeping together regularly.
- The
same word says that drugs are being offered around the youth group.
ii)
Less Confrontation, more\counsel
- A
complaint has come about the language of Jack, a middle aged man who
has only recently come to the Lord.
- It's
come to your attention that Mr. and Mrs. Grey frequently have rows
at home and there is obviously a marital breakdown taking place.
- Alec's
wife has come to see you to confide in you that she is worried about
Alec who obviously has a major gambling problem.
- Brenda
and Chris have confessed to you that they have serious financial problems.
It's probable that either Jack hasn't realised that bad
language is not part of the speech of Christians, or that he has and
is struggling to break the habit.
In each of these last four cases there needs to be correction
brought to their life situations, but in their cases they need behavioural
help rather than moral change. It's quite possible that there is a spiritual
dimension to each one of these latter three and some would say that
they are sinning in not trusting the Lord sufficiently, but that is
only part of the problem. The reality is that people who get into these
problems are quite often people who do pray, read their Bible and say
they love the Lord! Simply quoting verses is not going to help them!
They need help out of the situation.
With what I have been referring to as ‘confrontation'
there is a specific moral sin which needs to be confronted and dealt
with, e.g. adultery, child abuse etc. There may also be a number of
other issues to be looked at in the lives of the people concerned to
determine why they were vulnerable to this temptation and how we can
help them to overcome in the future.
With what I have been referring to as ‘counsel' situations
there is more a need to bring wisdom to people to help them resolve
conflicts or change circumstances rather than help them deal with specific
sins.
If we consider the three last cases cited above we will
perhaps be able to see this more clearly: a marital problem, gambling
addiction, and financial difficulties. None of the people here are consciously
rejecting God and all of them would much rather be out of the situation.
Compare this to someone committing adultery who, if they
know they are a Christian, are consciously rejecting God and God's law
and are probably relishing the relationship and do not want to give
it up. In the confrontation situation the crux of the matter
is, will the person acknowledge the sin and forsake
it? In the counsel situation the crux is, will the person
or people involved acknowledge the problem and will they receive
help to resolve it?
Bringing
Godly Counsel
Now let's consider those three cases again. In each case
there are different dynamics but in each case there will be certain
similarities that help towards creating a secure church.
Marital
Conflict
The Grey's are in marital conflict and need help
to come back into a place of peace with each other. The correction there
would be acknowledging the conflict, diagnosing the cause
of the conflict and bringing wisdom to resolve the conflict.
That may involve acknowledgement of a series of sins along the way -
selfishness, harsh and uncaring attitudes, bitterness, unrighteous anger
and so on. It may also involve helping the two parties face their own
inadequacies that have caused conflict, so they may receive godly ministry
to gain a right perspective. This could be the work of a counsellor.
Whatever we do with them, we show them that we are there for both of
them in as impartial way as possible. We are not there to condemn but
simply to show them a way out of their difficulties
Addiction
In the case of Alec's gambling addiction, correction
again requires acknowledgement of a problem, which in the case of addiction
is often the most difficult part. Having acknowledged it, the form of
wisdom to deal with the addiction may be a combination of counselling
& prayer ministry and attending a gamblers self-help group to help
him break free in the long term. The work of helping an addict, of whatever
form, is perhaps one of the most difficult, requiring a great deal of
long term help in ensuring the addict is kept away from opportunities
to indulge again.
Our own experience has indicated that in the case of drug
addiction it is vital that the addict be encouraged to go for professional
help outside the home area where he or she will not be known to suppliers.
This means we may need to be involved as church in provision of transport,
finances and support from a distance.
Financial
Difficulties
For Brenda and Chris with their financial difficulties,
there has already been an acknowledgement of a problem. What there now
needs is a diagnosis of their problem and some recommended remedial
action. In the case of financial problems we refer all our people with
financial difficulties to one man who is wise in financial matters.
When it comes to this sort of problem we say, “We realise you have a
problem but if we try to patch it up it will only get worse. If you
would like us to, we'll look with you at all areas of your finances,
completely confidentially, and then we'll suggest what we can do together
to help you, but unless you are willing to let us have all the details
of your finances and you're willing to take our advice, it probably
won't work. Now with that in mind, do you want us to help you in this
way?”
Now this approach doesn't impose us or our views upon them
but instead it simply says, “Here is the service we can provide if you
want it” and then leaves it up to the person or people to respond. If
they do respond positively we go through their entire financial attitudes
and behaviour with a tooth comb and help them see where they might have
gone astray. Having done that we then suggest what action we feel they
would be wise to take. If at that point they refuse to take that action
we can do no more.
In each case we do not pressurise people into taking
action and we do not make them feel bad if they won't take action. We
are there to help them, if they want it , to put their life
on a better footing. By the way we approach them we hope that they will
feel secure enough to open up to us and receive our godly counsel. If
we allow the church to know that this is how we work, we will create
a sense of security whereby people will know that we are there to help
but not to impose, and will feel they can come to us for godly counsel
without the fear of being made to feel condemned.
14.4
Reconciliation, Restitution & Restoration
In bringing correction, there needs to be an awareness
of what we are hoping to achieve as an outcome to what is, at the moment,
an unsatisfactory situation. Let's consider, therefore, the three words
of our heading.
1.
Reconciliation
Where there are broken relationships our objective
must surely be to bring a coming together again, so far as it is possible,
of those people. As I said at the beginning of the book, this is not
the place for extensive counselling theory. Sufficient to say that if
there is to be a healing of relationships it will almost certainly include
the giving and receiving of forgiveness. Before we move
on, it is worth saying here that where we are working on these things,
we sometimes need to realise that this is going to be a long-term project!
Impatience has no room in the equation when we are dealing with people.
We spoke of this earlier in the book and we need to remind ourselves
of it again. Be prepared to go to God for patience, grace to keep going,
wisdom to know how to do it when change seems slow.
There needs to be a removing of whatever it was that
separated the two people. In the Bible we have been reconciled to God
by the removing of our sin by the death of Jesus on the Cross (e.g.
Rom 5:10 ). There was something between us and God which kept us apart
and had to be removed.
Similarly it often is with people. It is insufficient simply
to each say sorry when there is a problem that is being ignored, something
that will continue to keep them apart. The thing that is keeping them
apart is the thing that needs addressing. For there to be true and lasting
reconciliation there needs to be change.
For example the Greys in our earlier example are a couple
who have a conflict. Let's suppose that one of the elements of the breakdown
in their relationship is his constant arriving home late from work without
warning. Now for this particular element to be resolved, it is no use
him constantly saying sorry to his wife. What she needs is to see change,
either in the form of him ringing home to warn that he will be delayed
getting in for the evening meal, or him taking steps to ensure he is
not late home. However this particular problem is worked out, it needs
to be done on a long term basis so that it is no longer a source of
conflict between them. There are a variety of other ways that it could
be dealt with.
Long
Term Working!
This point about working in the long term sometimes needs
emphasising. Where there is a marriage conflict say, that has just come
to light, we need to remember that it is probably been building for
a long while. To expect instant dramatic change is usually unrealistic,
it needs working at!
In situations where married partners have separated, as
Christians our goal in the long term is still to see them reconciled.
For them there may, at the present, seem absolutely no hope of that
happening. This is where we need to hold a long term perspective.
We had a situation many years ago, where a young man came
into our congregation, who had been separated from his wife for a number
of months. Eventually he came to us and told us he was getting divorced
and he wanted us to marry him to another young lady to whom he had become
attached in our congregation. Feeling quite unhappy about this we asked
him to wait for nine months before taking any action, to give himself
time to think it through more fully. He refused and he and the young
lady left the church, found another one in the area and a number of
months later, after the divorce had taken place, were married there.
Literally a couple of weeks after the wedding his previous wife, not
knowing he had remarried tried to make contact with him to tell him
she had just come to the Lord and wanted to rebuild their relationship
and remarry. Of course it was too late!
A long term perspective allows for the Lord to work in ways which,
at the moment, we couldn't possibly foresee. Time, they say, is a great
healer. It also gives the Lord space to move in the way He wants. The
tendency for the couple may be to sweep the past under the carpet and
move on to newer and hopefully better pastures. Statistics however,
clearly show that second relationships are no more secure than first
ones, the reason being that unless the causes at the heart of the first
breakdown are properly resolved in each individual, then they will simply
occur again in the future. If they are able to be resolved then there
is no reason why the two should not be reunited. Yes, they will need
both the grace of God and our help to go on, but the former is definitely
there and it is up to use to make sure the latter is also there.
2.
Restitution
Restitution simply means giving back to the original owner
what is due to them, and the Old Testament Law was quite strong on this
subject. When it comes to the matter of correction, it may be that it
will involve restitution. In the simplest of examples, it may be that
person A has borrowed something from person B and has either never returned
it or has returned it broken, and this has formed the basis of a long
standing upset between the two.
While we can talk to B about forgiving, the fact of the
matter is that they have been deprived of their property which is equivalent
to stealing. The Law of Restitution means that we need to encourage
A to return the item or replace it where it was returned broken. Such
an illustration is a simple matter, but it may be that we will encounter
far greater problems if our people really start opening up on their
problems.
It may be that we will need to stand alongside someone
in financial difficulties if we are encouraging them to restore large
sums which they no longer have. We are now talking about long-term strategies
that may involve loans, either from the church or from a bank. In such
cases the person in question will need much encouragement and help to
fulfil this obligation, which may have substantial impact on other areas
of their life.
3.
Restoration
Restore simply means to bring back into a prior condition
so when we are bringing correction our objective must be to bring a
person back to a place prior to their failure. Now there is a sense
in respect of human lives whereby this can never be done. Once there
is a failure, even though the effects of that can be largely cleared
up and remedied, the reality is that we will never be quite the same
again. Indeed this is a good thing.
In its simplest terms, prior to the failure we were vulnerable
to this form of temptation. Hopefully now we will have learnt much through
this failure which will help us not fail in the same way again. Apparently
it was General Robert E. Lee who wrote: “We must expect reverses, even
defeats. They are sent to teach us wisdom and prudence, to call forth
greater energies, and to prevent our falling into greater disasters.”
I know that didn't apply to moral failures but it can be applied just
the same.
When there has been a moral failure and correction has
been brought, we should be careful in our expectations!. This person
is still experiencing some of the trauma of conviction followed by forgiveness.
It is probable that they will be unable to be the same person they were
before, simply because of what they've been through and what they are
now feeling about themselves.
In some situations we should neither expect nor desire
there to be restoration. We'll cover this in detail in the following
chapter on resolving conflict, some of which could be applied here but
which I am including in that chapter to try to give a complete picture
of conflict resolution.
14.5
Facing Failure – when it doesn't work
We said this in an earlier chapter but it does bear repeating
here. There will be times when it will not work. The Bible gives us
illustrations of people who refused correction. Pharaoh with Moses is
probably the best illustration. Pharaoh's heart was hard and Moses'
words from God only made it harder. We do not know what the outcome
will be. We will do all in our power to bring a good outcome but we
do need to be realistic and recognise that there will be bad outcomes!
Some people will refuse to acknowledge the problem and will walk away
angry and possibly even leave the church.
When we are dealing with people who seem to be resisting the
truth, we need to remember two things. First, if they are a Christian,
they still have the Holy Spirit within them and He may yet be able to
convict them. That's His work not ours. Second, they may walk away but
we don't know what the future holds for them. It may be that God will
deal with them some way down the path.
It is important therefore, that when they go, we seek to make
our parting as amicable as possible, bearing in mind the circumstances.
In that way it may be that they might come back to us at some future
date, near or distant, and look to us for help to change. It may require
a lot of grace on our part, especially if they have been saying wrong
things about us around the church, but it will mean that we may still
be able to be God's agent of change for them in the future.
In our parting we need to be honest, to maintain our integrity,
and so we need to declare to them that we are quite unhappy about the
course of action they are taking or the attitude they are holding, but
that we hope God will bless them, and we are there for them in the future
should they ever have second thoughts. However we do it, it does need
to be in a spirit of gentleness and humility.
14.6
Facing Fears about identity
One final thing we would do well to consider, is the fear
that some people feel of what they might be left with after resolving
a personal conflict situation. There was a lady who unsuccessfully struggled
against anger. This was something that had been part of her life for
a long while. In fact it had actually become part of her identity. When
she was confronted with it she realised she feared what she would be
left with after the fear was removed from her life.
The issue here is the fear that the enemy lays on some
people as to who they really are if attitudes or behavioural patterns
are removed from their lives, as suggested by the leader / counsellor.
What is needed in this sort of situation, apart from generally counselling
the person about the past causes for their anger (or whatever else it
is), and praying with them, is encouragement to see that actually the
‘thing' hinders them becoming the real person that Jesus has made them
to be.
If
they can see this as an adventure, being released to be the new person
of Jesus' making, where new good parts of their being can be free to
develop, instead of a fearful loss of part of them, they might find
it easier to accept the truth about themselves in the present and then
act to bring the required response to receive their new future.
14.7
And So?
So what have we covered in this chapter?
Preparing: