Chapter
16 : Secure After Conflict
“If
you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember your brother
has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.
First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your
gift.”
(Matthew
5:23,24 )
Sadly conflict happens in church circles and so in this chapter
I want to look at the ingredients of conflict and suggest some ways
of dealing with them.
16.1
The Nature of Conflict
What
is a Conflict
A dictionary definition is “a struggle between opposing
aims, principles or parties, a clash of feelings or interests.”
Conflict
within an Individual
The conflict may be within an individual whose emotions
pull them one way but whose mind and rational thinking seek to pull
them another way. An example of this would be a Christian who feels
upset about a situation emotionally but whose mind says, “You are a
Christian and you shouldn't have anxieties.” They are being pulled in
two directions.
Conflict
between Two or More People
The conflict may be a disagreement between two or
more people and arises where one party takes a stand and says or does
something that the other party disagrees with strongly. Note that it
is not merely a casual disagreement, it is something that generates
strong feelings
16.2
Unresolved Conflicts
Conflict in itself is not the problem. The problem is that,
more often than not, the conflict drags on and on and remains unresolved.
We'll see the reason why in a moment.
Unresolved
Conflict in the Individual
Every Christian is a redeemed sinner and the trouble is
that, although Sin's power over us has been broken by the Cross, we
still have that tendency to stray from time to time, to resort to our
own thinking at variance with God's, and that means conflict! Because
we have been saved out of darkness (Col 1:13) we each come with some
of the wrong thinking from that time, or because we live in a sinful
world we pick up wrong thinking along the way, and that means conflict!
Wrong
Thinking About Myself
Within the individual that wrong thinking often denies
the truth of who they are in Christ. Because bad things have been said
to us about us by others, or because we have been through circumstances
where we've failed or been rejected by others, we can have a low sense
of self worth which denies the truths we hear preached, that you are
a child of God fully accepted by Him (1 Jn 3:1 & 2:1)
Wrong
Thinking about God
Again, perhaps because of the negative experiences that
we may have had in life, we feel negative about God and find it difficult
when we hear preaching that says God is love and He loves us (Rom 8:28-39).
This is inner conflict which needs resolving.
Wrong
Thinking about Others
Because of the things we've already covered in the above
two paragraphs, we not only feel bad about ourselves but we also feel
bad about others. The reason for this is that we feel threatened by
anyone who either seems different from us or thinks differently from
us. We thus find ourselves thinking negative thoughts about them, even
though they may never have harmed us in any way. In ourselves we know
that we are taught to love our neighbour (Mt 19:19) and to love other
Christians (Jn 13:34) but because of our feelings from the past we find
it difficult. This is inner conflict needing resolution.
Unresolved
Conflicts between Individuals
Person ‘A' says something to person ‘B' that upsets or
offends them. Person ‘B' either reacts defensively and says something
harsh back, or in defence retreats and nurses an injured pride. At this
simple level we have an unresolved conflict.
Why
Such Conflicts Remain Unresolved
In the vast majority of cases in Christian circles this sort
of thing occurs and the thing is pushed under the carpet and forgotten,
but the truth is that it is not forgotten because it is still an unresolved
conflict, it still exists as such.
The
Fact of Unresolved Conflict
It is crucial to understand this, that until there has
been a right, Scriptural resolution, the conflict still exists. Nobody
may be saying anything and everybody may be apparently getting on with
their life, but the truth is that under the surface the conflict is
still there. It has not gone away, it has not evaporated or dissolved,
it is just hidden.
Give
me a Quiet Life
Most of us prefer a quiet life, most of us are happy that there
is no further explosion or upset. Most of us are happy to live with
unresolved conflict, because it looks the easy way out. We live on with
the unresolved conflict because we think it will just go away - but
it doesn't!
Effects
of Unresolved Conflict
Because Christians are good at papering over the cracks
we think everything is all right, but actually underneath it isn't.
There are a number of things that need addressing:
•
Guilt: In a case of
unresolved conflict, no one is innocent (we'll see why later) and
in each one of us there is a measure of guilt that needs dealing
with.
•
Disharmony with God:
God is holy and conflict is not, and so while it still exists in an
unresolved state, we also have an unresolved issue with God.
•
Disharmony with others:
If the others don't live near us we tend to forget them, but it
still means there is someone on this earth with whom we have a longstanding
issue that is unresolved. If we still encounter them in daily or
weekly life, we will never be at complete peace in their presence
until it has been dealt with.
•
The enemy:
Because there is unrighteous business yet to be cleared up, it gives
Satan an opportunity to play on your mind and cause further upset
in your thinking.
16.3
Inner Conflicts
Personal
Conflict
The conflict that goes on within us can be of two types.
As we started saying above, it can first of all be conflict about the
way we think about ourselves, about God and about others that come as
a result of past experiences of life that have coloured our thinking
about ourselves.
People
Conflict
The second type of conflict that goes on within us is that
which arises when we have come into conflict with other people. As Christians
we know that God has laid down certain key ways we should respond to
other people, but the hurt or guilt that we feel as a result of a conflict
with others seems to overshadow those and make it difficult for us to
conform to them, and so we are left with inner conflict. One half of
us knows what we should do, but because of the emotions involved we
find it almost impossible to consider those ways, let alone follow them.
Acknowledging
Conflict
The first and vital stage of conflict resolution is to
actually acknowledge that there is an inner conflict. Now be under no
illusions, this is a very difficult stage. It is very difficult to face
up to inner turmoil. Why? Read on.
Fleeing
Personal Conflict
Because we have lived with this inner conflict for so long,
feeling bad about ourselves etc., the tendency that so many of us have
is to think, ‘better the devil I know than the one I don't know'. In
other words there is comfort in the familiar even if it makes us feel
bad. Rather than face the unknown we therefore flee the thought
that anything is wrong.
Fleeing
People Conflict
As we've already indicated when we face people conflict,
in whatever form, our natural defences tell us to take the line of least
pain, so what we often do is deny it, deny the conflict and pretend
that everything is all right. Although our minds may acknowledge that
the best course is to deal with and remove the conflict, our hearts
fear further pain and if dealing with the conflict means dying to self,
putting aside pride, and pressing through to the truth with the grace
of God, the enemy will reinforce our own fears and tell us that this
sounds painful. We thus do nothing.
Wrong
Thinking about Myself
The enemy majors on half truths and a half truth is basically
a lie! The following are some of those half truths that we put up with
but which conflict with the truth that the Holy Spirit within us seeks
to bring to us: I'm a nobody, I'm useless, I've blown it, There's
no hope, No one loves me. All of these things war against the truth
and stop us deepening our relationship with God and with others. In
other words, they restrict and limit our lives.
Correcting
Wrong Thinking About Myself
Let's check each of those things:
•
I'm a nobody.
Untrue! You are a child of God with a divine purpose over
your life. (Jn 1:12 / Eph 2:10 )
•
I'm useless.
Half truth! Without Jesus you can do nothing (Jn 15:5b). With
him you can do all he gives you to do (Phil 4:13 )
•
I've blown it.
You may have done, but when you confess it to God He
forgives and cleanses and works to redeem your situation
(1 Jn 1:9, 2:1)
•
There's no hope .
Untrue! God put His Spirit in you as a seal of His future
intentions and He is not going to give up on you
(Eph 1:11 -14 / Phil 1:6)
•
No one loves me .
Untrue! God loves you - just as you are, He is for you (1
Jn 3:16 , 4:10 )
Now if you are not sure about these things you need
a daily prescription. Write out each of the verses mentioned above,
ask God to make the truth of them real to you, and declare them out
loud every day for a week!
Correcting
Wrong Thinking about Others
This is about the thoughts and feelings you have about
that other person who offended you. Remember your defence mechanism
may suggest you just forget it, but the truth is it won't go away until
you have dealt with it properly. So you need to take action. You can
do this in one of two ways. The two ways are either
1. Use the Law or 2. Use Grace.
Use
the Law
This first method is the hard method. God commands certain
things through Jesus, and until you obey them you'll never be completely
at peace. For example He commands you to:
•
Love your brothers and sisters in Christ
(Jn 13:34)
•
Forgive one another (Mt 6:14,15 / Col
3:13)
•
Love your enemies and pray for them (Mt
5:44 )
Remember, these are COMMANDS of God. They are not optional, so
if you have bad feelings towards other people the onus is upon you to
put them right. That other person may not allow you to re-establish
a relationship with them (but that's their problem before God!) but
you can make sure your heart is right towards them.
Imagine
beyond the Conflict
Now if you find the Law too difficult ask the Holy
Spirit to help you find grace to achieve those objects by some way other
than striving. A way to do that is as follows:
•
Imagine the future, say two years ahead,
and imagine you and that other person as best friends - and bring
that feeling back to now. (Actually DO this exercise, don't just read
it)
•
Imagine that situation and imagine all
their good points and how they bless you. Seriously, what are their
good points? Now imagine the two of you working together for the Lord
at that time and seeing blessing coming through it. What do you imagine
you both doing? What fruit do you see coming from it?
Now that may not be what God wants to happen but it may
not be far from it. The present conflict stops that happening
Checking
the Reality
Many people in conflict deny the conflict or say they don't
need to act. Very well, check it out. Pray for the blessing of that
other person daily for the next seven days. If you can't do that you
probably have an unresolved conflict that requires action by you.
16.4
If you are the OFFENDER
A
word to the Offended
If you are the person who feels they have been offended,
you may think you can read through this Part and use it as ammunition
against the person who offended you. You can't! They alone are
responsible for their side of things and you must leave God to speak
to them. You have your side of the conflict to deal with and that is
just as difficult, so start reading the Part 16.5 which is for you!
You,
the Offender?
In probably the majority of instances when someone was upset,
when you initially spoke to them, it had not been your intention to
cause upset. Very often people act and speak with the best of intentions
and are then most surprised at the upset that ensued. For this reason
the likelihood is that you do not see yourself as the initiator of the
conflict. Indeed you probably feel quite upset at the hostile reaction
you got from the other person, and would see yourself as the slighted
party.
Acknowledging
Error
We'll deal with the above situation in a moment, but it
may be that in the cold light of day, when you look back on what you
said, you may be able to see that the words you used, the way you said
them, or the time you chose to speak had not been the best! Even if
our intentions were the best there are few of us who can say that we
were 100% perfect in what we said and the way we said it. If you've
even got a 10% chance that you weren't exactly right in what you said,
you've got grounds to say sorry.
But
what about their response?
Whether or
not you came with a right intention, it's very common in such upsets
for the other person to have responded very badly. They were hurt and
so they lashed out! Now when we view these things as the party who set
the ball rolling, at this point we use their bad reaction as an excuse
why we shouldn't be the one initiating resolution. We now claim to be
the offended party and our self-righteous defence mechanism kicks in
to protect self and justify our part in it all. We need to recognise
this for what it is and not use it as an excuse from the enemy to stop
us initiating resolution.
Why
did they blow up?
We said just now that it is quite likely that you didn't
intend hurt or upset so let's now assume that that was so. So
why did that other person blow? The answer, whether we like it or not,
was that they felt ‘attacked'. Yes we know that's not what you were
doing but it was what they felt. If they hadn't felt it they wouldn't
have reacted in that way. If their reaction was violent then they obviously
felt under severe attack
The
Straw that broke the camel's back?
The likelihood is that what you said wasn't of itself a big deal,
yet it did manage to create a really hostile reaction. So why? The probability
is that what you said was simply the final straw on top of a whole load
of things that was already weighing down on them. If they had been feeling
cool, calm and collected, they would have used assertiveness tactics
to handle what you said, e.g. quite calmly, “I'm sorry but I'm afraid
that's not actually how it is. I'm afraid I'm unable to accept that”.
Instead you got a volcanic eruption!
How
did you handle yourself?
They have just exploded, so how did you cope with that?
Most of us would act defensively at that point. We need either to have
received assertiveness training or to be very whole in our personality
and character, able to express to loving confidence of Jesus, to have
avoided being defensive.
WWJD
What would Jesus do in that situation? Well of course he
would never have got himself into it, but assuming he did, how would
he respond to the outburst? In what follows below are some suggested
guide points:
1.
Understand the person
Well first of all he would understand what was going on
in that other person. He would know the burdens they were carrying,
the worries they had, the stress they were finding in life and therefore
the complete cause of their reaction. (Of course knowing that he wouldn't
have spoken as you did) As we look back on the situation, can we fully
understand all that was going on in the other person and have Jesus'
compassion for them? Can we try to understand why this conflict arose
in the first place, and not be defensive about it?
2.
Reach out to them
Second, and this is very important, he would seek
to meet them at their point of need and show he understood what they
felt. To achieve this we need to overcome our defence tactics and overcome
the desire to flee, either literally or behind defensive excuses. As
we said just now it takes a fair measure of wholeness or maturity to
have coped with their reaction to you, but we should be looking to God
for grace to have that. If we don't have it, we've failed to be Jesus
to that person. In fact we've just failed.
Signs
of Spiritual Maturity
The situation has happened, so what can we do about it.
Self is screaming, “It's not my fault”. Instead of going to the Cross,
Jesus could have said, “It's not my fault” and walked away from the
human race, but instead he took our sins. In that he gave us the classic
example of facing responsibility, facing the will of God, facing the
right and only way of clearing sin.
The sign of spiritual maturity is being willing to face
the thing, being willing to carry the can, being willing to say, “I
didn't get it right, I'm sorry, please forgive me for where I failed
you.” Being spiritually mature means we take responsibility for where
we acted less than perfectly and failed another. In this case the areas
of failure are likely to be:
•
We were insensitive to the state of the
other person
•
We spoke insensitively and caused hurt
•
When they reacted we
•
reacted back and
•
didn't seek to understand why they
were responding like they
did, and
•
didn't seek to reach out to them to
help them in their pain
Our
responsibility
Where we have been the ‘offender' we mustn't worry about
the other party acting first. We must simply do what is right before
God in the ways outlined here.
16.5
If you are the OFFENDED
A
word to the Offender
If you are the person who feels they have been accused
of being the offender, you may think you can read through this Part
and use it as ammunition against the person who was offended. You can't!
They alone are responsible for their side of things and you must leave
God to speak to them. You have your side of the conflict to deal with
and that is just as difficult, so reread the section above or give this
a miss and go down to 16.6!
You,
the Offended?
What actually happened? Someone came along and attacked
you verbally. The form of their ‘attack' can be varied. It may be they
said something that was a personal attack, maybe they accused you of
something, maybe they said things which implied rejection of you. They
initiated that attack.
The
hurt your felt
Why did you react? You were hurt by what was said. They
were insensitive, they were brash or arrogant, they were everything
except Jesus to you! The result? You felt devastated, you felt angry,
abused, insulted or whatever, the list could be endless. They blew it
and you reacted in your hurt.
Why
the pain?
Why did you feel so hurt? This is an important question
if we are to help you be released from it. Was what they said so terrible
or was it the last of a long line of things that had come at you? Most
of us who are Christians put up with lots of things we feel unhappy
about and we just grin and bear it. We put up with one thing after another
until finally, a simple word acts like a detonator and we explode. It's
quite probable that what was said to you wasn't so awful, but yes you
genuinely felt it was. Perhaps you still feel the hurt and the thing
keeps on going round and round in your mind.
Think
about your offender for a moment
There are times when people are genuinely out to
get us, but when they're Christians that isn't actually very likely.
Did that person, who may be less than perfect, go out of their way to
hack you down verbally? More likely is that they were just being totally
insensitive. In other words they were not intending to put you down,
but just didn't realise the impact on you of what they were saying.
Yes, they probably should have, but they didn't. From where you stood
it probably felt like it, but the reality was that they weren't trying
to get you. It's quite possible they intended a very different outcome,
but just hadn't thought through the situation and hadn't realised how
you were feeling.
WWJD?
How did you cope with their insensitive words?
How would you have responded differently if you had been Jesus?
•
Of course if you had been Jesus you probably
wouldn't have let things build up in you previously and would have
spoken the truth out long before this blew.
•
If you had been Jesus you would probably
have understood that actually they were not out to get you, they were
just not understanding.
•
If you were Jesus you could forgive them
that; it's human not to understand.
•
If you had been Jesus you might have
been able to respond, “I'm sorry that's not right. Look I'm not feeling
good about this. What you've just said really hurts. I've put up with
so much that I've kept bottled up and I really can't cope with any
more. I'm sorry but I can't handle what you're saying, so can we talk
this again when I'm feeling better.”
It's
tough being a human being!
It's tough carrying burdens. It's tough bottling
up stuff because we fear upsetting others. It's tough having to cope
with other people who don't feel, don't understand, don't speak or act
as we would expect them too, especially when they are Christians! It's
tough when God says love them. It's tough because we don't think we
have the resources to do that. It's tough having to face the fact that
we didn't get it right either, because we fear the consequences of owning
up to failure. It's tough because we fear what others might think of
us. It's tough because we fear we might look silly having to say sorry.
A
Two Sided Coin
In every conflict it's important to see that there
are no innocent players. We all get it wrong somehow and when we get
it wrong the only way out of the enclosed room is through the door marked
confession. Our ‘self' and pride scream against going through that door,
but Jesus says it is the only exit from the room (Mt 6:14 ,15 / Col
3:13 ). The door has two keys. One of them is Jesus instruction to love
our fellow Christians (Jn 13:34 ) and the other one is his instruction
to pray for those who are against us (Mt 5:44).
A
Way Through
In a conflict emotions run high and if you feel hurt, the
old life which feels aggrieved wants revenge, wants its pound of flesh.
But there may be a way through. Jesus said, “Do to others what you
would have them do to you” (Mt 7:12 ), so just for a moment imagine
Jesus standing with you. Lay all your pain and anger down at his feet
and listen to him. He looks you in the eye and asks, “When you get it
wrong, how would you like me to act towards you?”
“I'd
like you to love, accept and forgive me please Lord.”
“When
you get it wrong, how would you like others to treat you?”
“I'd
like them to love, accept and forgive me, Lord”
“Do
to them what you'd like them to do to you if the boot was on the other
foot.”
A
Need to be Honest
We said just now it's like being locked in an enclosed
room and the only door out has the name confession on it. The corridor
outside that door is called truth. We know that if we are followers
of Jesus we can only walk down the path called truth. That means we
acknowledge the truth about others and about ourselves. We're all imperfect.
None of us has the right to claim perfection. Yet in the kingdom Jesus
accepts us with our imperfection and requires that we accept each other
- as imperfect as we all are.
16.6
Walking out Reconciliation
What
has happened?
It's important to remember that what actually happened
is usually different from what the parties initially say happened. The
reason for that is fairly obvious, each of us sees things from our standpoint
and we interpret what we see through our preconceived ideas. The reality
was probably quite different.
The
Reality of both Parties
For example, as we've said in the previously, the
‘offender' being a Christian probably didn't intend to offend and cause
all the upset, they were simply insensitive. On the other hand the ‘offended'
was probably upset not so much by what was said in this instance but
more by the fact that this was the final straw on top of lots of previous
things that they had been struggling to cope with, things they had been
unhappy about but had bottled up. If we wanted to lay blame, none of
us could cast the first stone, we're all at fault. Yet these things
did need facing and dealing with in a proper Scriptural manner. It's
important to understand these things to be able to walk out the future
in a good way before God.
Reconciliation
If you are reading this before remedial action has
been taken, we hope that you will be encouraged to press on to bring
that about. If you're reading it after reconciliation then we hope the
following will simply reinforce what has already happened.
Future
Togetherness?
The kingdom of God is intended by Him to be a rule
of peace and harmony. Yet He is also aware of our human frailties and
weaknesses and knows that it takes time to bring these things after
there has been upset. There can be the words of healing and reconciliation
but the reality can take a little longer.
The
words of reconciliation
Whether it has happened or is about to happen we
hope the following words will have been spoken with humility and gentleness:
Offender:
“I'm really sorry, I didn't
intend to hurt you, I just didn't understand the depth of what you were
feeling. I realise I also didn't cope very well with your response and
became self righteous in my assessment of you and didn't seek to reduce
your pain by words of love. I'm aware that in each of these ways I failed
you and I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.”
Offended:
“I'm really sorry I have let
things build up in me and I'm sorry that my reaction to you was so violent.
I'm afraid I didn't get the grace of God to respond well to what you
said and I judged your motives wrongly. I'm aware that in all these
ways I failed and I'm really sorry. Please forgive me my part in all
of this.”
Walking
out reconciliation
Once we have come to the point of laying down our hurts
and our failures before God and before each other, we then have still
to hold onto the place of reconciliation, we still have to walk it out
in daily life in the days, weeks and months ahead, and to achieve that
we need to be aware of the following things.
Every
thought Captive
The enemy will want to bring up again the old issues.
He will want you to relapse back into the hurt, defensive, pre-reconciliation
mode. He will seek to raise negative thoughts about that other party,
and your role in the future days will be to deny him that access. The
way to do it will be to pray for the blessing and wellbeing of the other
party on a daily or weekly basis, or whenever negative thoughts about
them arise.
Rebuilding
Trust
When a conflict arises like this, one of the long
term damaging effects is the destruction of trust. If the other party
reacted like that to me on that occasion, might they do it again in
the future? That sort of thinking makes us want to stay at a distance
from that person. Now the reality may be that you do not live, work
or worship in the same area any longer so this is not so much a problem,
but if you do it is something to be worked at. Change is needed.
Working
for Change
If we are to avoid this happening again, then the
ingredients that caused the upset need to be removed, and this will
take time, effort, prayer and the grace of God. So what things can we
specifically look to remove?
Ingredients
of Conflict
The first thing was a lack of truth beforehand.
As Christians we're all prone to trying to take the easy way out, which
means keeping quiet when things seem to be happening about which you
feel unhappy. We are to be a community of truth, a people who are real,
without pretence.
The second thing was a lack of sensitivity towards
one another. In the busyness of church life, sometimes we become less
than good at caring for one another, understanding one another and feeling
where we're each at. We not only need to be a loving, caring and accepting
people, but we also need to be sensitive to one another - and this is
a two way thing.
The third thing was a lack of communication, and
this is the major cause of all upsets. When we are communicating honestly,
sensitively and with a caring heart, we undermine all of the enemies
strategies of causing upset through lack of understanding.
The fourth thing was a loss of perspective creating wrong
priorities. With the pressures of life comes tiredness and loss of perspective.
For any disagreement to become conflict it means we have lost perspective.
Things become all-important, and issues, organisation etc. all take
on an importance beyond reality. As someone said long ago, “People matter
more than things”. In church, people matter far more than issues or
organisation or whatever. If we fail one another, we fail!
Into
the Future
So we walk into the future, burnt by the past experience
but wiser and more sensitive because of it. As Joseph said to his brothers
and we can say to Satan, “You intended to harm me but God intended
it for good” (Gen 50:20). Yes, the enemy stirred this up
to seek to destroy you, but God allowed it to bring you through to a
place where you also can be full of grace and truth, just like Jesus
(Jn 1:14). May it be so.
16.7
And So?
It may be that your conflict (if you're one of the many involved
in one) doesn't quite fit the things said in the notes but there are
bound to be common features.
To conclude, when we are in a conflict situation it is
so easy to
•
let hurt override rational thinking
•
maintain a blame culture - it's their
fault
•
forget that they also are children of
God, loved by Him
If you are in one of these situations, remember
that God still loves you and is for you. Then remember that He loves
them and is for them as well.
Remember Joshua had
this problem (Josh 5:13 -), so you're in good company, when he asked
the man before him, “ Are you for us or for our enemies”.
The reply from heaven was instructive: “ Neither, but as the commander
of the army of the Lord I have now come ”. In other words, “I'm
on God's side to bring God's will, so are YOU on my side?” God
calls us to His side, not to create or hold onto divisive groups through
conflicts.