Chapter
8 : Am I Secure?
“
we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing
power is from
God and not from us ”
(2
Corinthians 4:7)
8.1
Facing Ourselves
We
need to start with ourselves
In this chapter we start considering the whole question of our
own personal security. We'll start by considering the reality of our
own personal position and then go on to start to paint a picture of
security. The past few chapters have had a lot of Biblical
content and I'm aware they've been fairly solid, so this and the next
chapter are going to have a lighter, personal touch about them. This
isn't just academic theory, this is the core of Christian life - and
we're human beings - so what follows is now going to have more of a
human face to it.
Having said it
will be lighter, I have to warn you that if you haven't recognised the
hand of the Master Potter on your life, some of what comes next will
be difficult. For others who identify with these experiences,
what follows will hopefully come as a light in the darkness!
In considering the subject of a secure church we must start with
ourselves. If we're going to try to create a secure environment for
others, it seems fairly obvious that we have got to do what we can for
ourselves first. As we approach this, we each probably fall into one
of three possible categories. It may be that you consider you are already
a secure person, perhaps you recognise that you are insecure, or perhaps
you've never really given it any thought.
Suppose we believe we are secure. I wonder how true this is?
When we say this we, again, open up several possibilities. Perhaps we
delude ourselves, for in fact perhaps we're quite insecure. Perhaps
we get our security from a wrong source. Perhaps we are actually mature
in this area and have a right basis for our security, which is genuine.
Signs
of Insecurity
Years ago I protested that I felt I was a completely secure person.
It was only God, the years, and other people, who helped show me that
this was far from the truth. So how do we know if we're not secure?
There are various tell-tale signs:
•
you get defensive when criticised or
opposed,
•
you have to be right,
•
you can't cope gracefully with any rejection
of what you say or do.
The importance of this is, that until we face the truth
about ourselves, we can't work in harmony with the Holy Spirit, at bringing
change to us, and while we remain insecure, we create an insecure environment
around us!
If we're a leader and if we've been leading for any length of
time, hopefully we know we are there by God's calling, but in the course
of time it's possible that we've taken our security from what we do.
It's so easy to get our sense of self-worth from the area of specialist
ministry we've moved into.
8.2
When Things go Wrong
Security
from Ministry
The problem with getting our security from our ministry is what happens
when circumstances force us to lay it down. It is quite possible to
carry on serving God, and quite effectively too, while trusting in wrong
things, but yet not realise it. God blesses and uses us while we are
less than perfect! We carry on and think that everything is all right.
However, when a crisis comes, perhaps through health breakdown
or simply change of circumstances, and we have to put down our ministry,
we suddenly feel very vulnerable, almost naked as if the clothing was
removed. For some it is almost too much and there is an accompanying
breakdown of faith.
Security
from Experiences
But it's not only ‘ministry', it can also be the reliance on
some form of Christian experience. The end of the twentieth century
was a period of superficiality in many parts of the Church and the shallowness
was revealed for many by the so-called ‘Toronto Blessing'. The Lord
probably had a number of purposes in bringing that wonderful time of
refreshing to many of us, but I suspect that one of them was to reveal
to us the superficiality of our lives. For many of us we revelled in
the wonder and fun of what God was doing. We hadn't expected it, it
wasn't of our making and we just enjoyed the wonder of it all. And then
it stopped! At that point many of us felt bereft, like little children
who had had their toys taken away from them.
Why can't refreshing or revival continue for ever? Because
if it did we would put our trust in manifestations and not in the Lord
Himself! In the last decade of the twentieth century there was much
talk, even many prophecies, about coming revival, but as we went into
the new millennium the word that summed up Christian life for many was
“disillusionment”. The failure of revival to arrive coupled with the
disappointment over the Toronto Blessing abatement was, for many, eventually
too much.
So what does all this signify? Simply that for many of
us there has been a shallowness in our spirituality, in our relationship
with our Lord. We have relied upon gifts, ministries, manifestations
but not upon the giver of them. When everything else is stripped away
what have we got left?
When
shaking comes
A couple of lovely Christian people moved into their sixties
after years of knowing and loving their Lord and being an example to
many people. Suddenly a series of devastating ill health incidents and
accidents forced themselves on this lovely couple. Initially their response
was to trust and pray, but as the darkness grew more and more intense
it was not so easy to hang on. Eventually they started to question,
“Lord, where are you? Why aren't you answering our prayers?” and despair
began to impose itself on them. Will this ever end?
What was happening there? What was going on in these Job-type
situations. As they were prayed for, a picture was given. It was as
if on such occasions we are taken into a cell without windows. Everything
we've known and trusted in is shut out, and then it starts getting dark.
A
Presence in the Darkness
Eventually, there in the darkness, we find ourselves utterly
alone and nothing of our past knowledge or experience is left. Yet,
as we sit there in utter darkness and utter loneliness, with no reliance
on anything, we gradually become aware there in that place we're actually
not alone. Gradually we become aware of a Presence that is there. It
is Him. He's not communicating, He's just there. Until that point we
had heard with our ears, read with our eyes, considered with our minds,
the wonder of Him. But now we just KNOW!
The knowledge of Him is the most precious thing that can be known to
any man or woman on this earth, yet for most of us, most of the time,
we're content with just the fragrance of His presence, the blessing
that He declares over us, the gifts or ministries that He imparts to
us. Our security is very fragile, based upon the gifts we've been given,
not on the loving presence of the One who gave them.
8.3
Worked upon by the Potter!
Moulding
is good to start with
Where does that personal, individual security come from?
It comes through the years by the working of the Master Potter on the
clay. There we were, a piece of clay. We were aware we were clay. When
we came to Christ we had no illusions. We knew what we were like, but
we had aspirations of what we would become. We dreamt of becoming great
prayer warriors, great preachers, great evangelists and we knew it would
all be for the glory of God! And as the years went by we sensed the
hands of the Potter moulding us, we caught a glimmer of where He was
taking or making us. Perhaps there was a prophetic word that came about
our future and our hearts rose, “Yes, Lord!”
Moulding
becomes painful
And then came the devastating disappointment! We felt we
were unable to bear it. It felt like the Potter was dashing the clay
on the wheel and starting again. We wondered what it was all about.
Slowly, gradually, we regained some strength and purpose and direction
again and we began to feel that at last we were moving in the divine
purpose for our lives. For some of us we rose in gifting and ministry.
For others we stayed where we were. For some it was heady excitement,
for others the more humdrum existence. But then came the awareness,
“This is not what I thought it was going to be!” Whether in ministry
or the daily rat race, we wondered.
Values
are changed
Some fearfully approached forty and looked back and wondered
what it had all been about as they realised it is only the naivety of
youth that thinks it is in control. Where had the years gone? What had
been achieved? Is this that famed ‘mid-life crisis'? And as the years
rolled on and the hands of the Master Potter continued to mould, you
realised that the values of your life were something quite different
from what you had first thought.
Whether the aspiring cleric at theological college, the brilliant
technophobe pushing back the frontiers of the communications revolution,
or the enterprising entrepreneur planning to make ten million before
twenty five, the message eventually gets through. His goals are not
my goals, His thoughts are not my thoughts, my ways are not His ways,
and gradually we realise the most important issue is about bringing
us in line with Him.
Trying
to manipulate God?
Yet so many of us still try to manipulate Him, whether
it be in trying to get Him to do what we want in ‘worship' or by berating
Him for not doing what we feel He should be doing for us or in the lives
of the people around us. God is probably the most ‘advised' Being in
the entire universe!
But for those of us moving towards some degree of maturity
we begin to realise that He is actually often more concerned with the
process in our lives than the end product. We so often fasten our eyes
on the future, on what we think He is trying to achieve and we forget
that the most important thing is what is happening to us at this moment,
and how we're responding to it. Today is the day of salvation, not twenty
years time. Today He has brought me thus far and it's a good place to
be, but I've a long way to go yet. Suddenly we realise we're not just
clay, we're jars of clay (2 Cor 4:7), earthenware pots that are not
very beautiful, but they contain the glory of the most wonderful Being
in all existence. It is all about Him, not about us.
8.4
Some personal testimony
Let me tell you a few things the Lord has said to me over the
years, things that brought a new awareness to me. I suspect the times
when God speaks really formative things to us are actually few and far
between. Look at how few times Abraham the “friend of God” has a recorded
conversation with the Lord over his many years of walking with God.
Before I do this, I realise that at this point there may be some who
think it presumptuous to say, “God said”. Well, all I know is that the
Bible is full of “God said” situations and on occasion I have ‘heard'
Him. How? In my mind. I'm going to record three very brief things I
believe the Lord said to me and all I can say was that at the time they
came like devastating revelation, beyond my natural understanding at
that time, and they changed me!
a)
Conversation over a crib
The first such conversation, and it was a conversation, came
many years ago when we had our first child. Esther was just three months
old. She was in her crib upstairs in our bedroom. On this particular
occasion I crept upstairs as a new dad and peered into the room to check
on my wonderful daughter. As I looked at her, I sensed the Lord speak
to me.
“What
do you think of her son?”
“Oh,
I think she's wonderful, Lord”.
“What
does she do?”
What
a strange thing to ask. “Well, she cries a lot, Lord. And she regularly
wakes us up in the middle of the night. She's always wanting to be fed
and she makes terrible smells and needs changing.”
“And
what do you think of her?”
Without
a hesitation. “Oh, she's wonderful Lord. I love her”
“Why?”
“Because,
she's mine.”
“And
that's why I love you, Son. Because you're mine.”
There was a long silence and I was changed. I had read
it in The Book. I had heard it preached dozens of times. I had responded
to it many years before, but now these words had been said to me - personally
to me. I am loved - simply because I belong to Him!
b)
A Reading Interrupted
The years passed by. I moved into ‘ministry'. I am now
‘serving God'. On this occasion I was quietly minding my own business,
reading a book. This particular book made reference to American evangelists
who were caught at being less than perfect in their moral lives. As
I read, righteous indignation seemed to rise within me.
Without
being aware of addressing the Almighty, I was aware that I was thinking,
“Lord, how can you use them!”
Before
I had a moment to think further the Lord spoke very clearly back. “The
same reason I use you!”
That
sounded bad news. I wasn't expecting the Lord to turn up. I wasn't expecting
to be spoken to.
This
needed thinking about, but before I could think on, the Lord added,
“Son, I use you not because you're right but because you're available.”
Again
there was a long silence and I was changed.
The simplicity of it was devastating. For years I had tried to always
be right, tried to get be excellent in all I did, and often felt bad
when I missed the target. I was aware that so often I was trying to
please God, trying to get Him on my side, trying to live up to His standards,
trying to achieve a measure of righteousness, self-righteousness. Now
I could afford to be wrong, I could risk just living in His love, risk
missing the mark, knowing that I would still be loved! I was loved,
even when I got it wrong!
c)
A Question of Fasting
The third encounter was a more painful one. At this time I was
travelling from time to time to minister abroad. Whenever we did this
we prepared by a sustained time of prayer and fasting. Even before this
time I had fasted for eight days seeking the Lord and so these preparation
fasts were not a shock. On this occasion as I was thinking of preparing
for the trip, I felt the Lord say “Son, you are not to fast.”
Now I don't know if you are like me, but I question what sounds
dubious. I had come from the school of prayer and fasting. The Bible
taught it, so I should do it. I concluded it must be the enemy. I would
fast. After all, the Lord surely couldn't object to me doing something
as spiritual as this, something His word clearly spoke about. I set
aside a week to fast and seek the Lord.
Now whenever I had fasted previously, yes, it had not been the
most glorious of experiences, but I coped with it without a problem.
By the end of the first day I had usually felt hungry, and that was
to be expected, but nothing beyond that. On this occasion though, after
four hours I was a wreck. I felt violently ill and was literally crawling
around on the floor in agony.
In
desperation I cried out to the Lord, “Lord, where are you, what is happening,
please help!”
A
simple word came straight back. “Son, I told you not to fast. Stop it!”
The
word was so clear and strong, I made for the kitchen and ate. The sickness
went immediately.
As
I sat there the word of the Lord came again, and this was the revelation:
“Son, I will bless your obedience, not your spiritual acts”.
I
was changed.
Suddenly I saw that so much of my life was doing things
to get God on my side. Suddenly, and at times like this you know it's
the Lord giving the insight, I saw that my security for ministry abroad
had been the fact that I had fasted . It was not that the Lord
was for me, not that He loved me and wanted to bless others through
me more than I wanted to bless them. Suddenly it was like scales fell
away from my eyes and I realised I could just go in His love, secure
in HIS intentions for me and for this trip.
As we went, I was aware of a new sense of security, aware that
I didn't have to prove myself to my heavenly Father. On that trip the
Lord blessed my ministry more than ever before.
Some time later I went to do another trip abroad. Was I to fast?
Was that just a one-off time? The word came, “You will not fast again
until I tell you to.” And again the Lord blessed more than I had ever
known before. I was now moving in a new sense of God's love for me.
I was not perfect but I was more secure!
Now one of the amazing things about all this was that I knew
all this stuff in my mind but it just hadn't grabbed my heart. In fact
if you look at the things the Lord said to me, you'll see that they
are remarkably similar:
•
I love you even if you are sometimes
like a little baby
•
I love you and use you even if you aren't
always right. I'll use you not because you've got it all right, but
simply because you've made yourself available for Me to work through
•
I love you and will use you not because
you impress Me but simply because I love you and you are being obedient
so I can work through you.
Now the legalists among us at this point cry out, “But what about
holiness? What about righteous living? How can God use an impure, unrighteous
vessel?” The answer to that is that God IS working all of that into
me but those aren't the grounds for His loving me, those aren't the
grounds for His acceptance of me - or you! As He loves me,
as He accepts me, I am being changed. Those are goals He has
in mind for me, but they are goals and not conditions of His love. We'll
say more about that in the next chapter.
8.5
And So?
So, as we come to the end of the chapter, what are the questions
we ought to face ourselves with?
What is the basis of my security (genuinely)?
•
do I do things to try to get God on my
side?
•
have I ever heard from God personally
that He loves me?
•
do I trust in my gifting or ministry
for His approval?
•
dare I get it wrong?
•
will He still love me if I get it wrong?
(theological justifications at this point
probably indicate my insecurity!)
Serious questions that deserve some serious thoughts
for a few minutes. Please don't rush by them, don't ignore them. Don't
treat them as just words to be read and then passed by.