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Chapter 18: Specific Battlefronts: 2. The Gay Phenomena: Further Pastoral Reflections
CONTENTS
PART 18.1 Focusing a Wider Perspective Perspective Pastoral Concerns Three Groups
PART 18.2 Addressing Difficulties Pastorally Pastoral Focus Facing Feelings Facing Distinctions & Divisions
PART 18.3 The Particular Problem of Gay Marriage: Civil or Religious Institution The Depths & Potential of Marriage Loyalty & Commitment Monogamy or….? Fixity again
PART 18.4 Conclusions?
PART 18.1 Focusing a Wider Perspective
Perspective: As believers in our quest for righteousness, it is easy to lose perspective. For instance I am called to respect everyone (1 Pet 2:17). Why? Because every person, male, female or whatever, is made in the image of God. Most of them are not aware of that – which perhaps contributes to their identity confusion – but they carry a reflection of God, they have an inner sense of eternity (Eccles 3:11).
When, in the past, I have worked in the midst of non-believers, I still had to respect them as people, precious to God, so precious that He sent His Son to die for them (Jn 3:16) even though at this point in time they may not know that or believe it. It is true and who knows, if God turns up in sovereign revival, many of them will turn to Him. Meanwhile I wait and respect – and that includes Gay and all shades of sexuality.
To talk of respecting one another does not mean we are required to respect their worldview, their outlook on life, and maybe even how they identify themselves. They, of course, don't see it like that because they define themselves by what they think of themselves; they don't see the bigger picture – yet. For now, because I don't agree with their perspective on life, they may call me a bigot; they know no better. They don't know that I care for them, am there for them, accept them as they are, even though I am sure God has something better for them. That is the Christian perspective and remains so, even if they are hostile to it in their unknowingness in life.
So the man next door (imaginary) may be rude to his wife, she may nag him incessantly, their children may be in rebellion against them, and as a family they have a low view of authority and… well …. most other people, actually. But as people before God, I respect them, not their ideas or behaviour, but as people who stand in God's sights. Tomorrow He may turn up in their lives and they may be transformed, but that's still tomorrow for the moment.
And that of course is their biggest problem, not the ways they think or the things they do, or the lifestyle they pursue, it is the fact that they are godless, God-less. Yes, the other things matter and are important, but that particular thing is the all-important thing, that is what defines them and is that from which all else follows.
Pastoral Concerns: I have been a church pastor, now retired, but I still have concern for people, all people, and especially those who are making heavy weather of life, running contrary to God's design and will, in whatever form that takes – and also those who are affected by such people.
So I have some lovely Christian friends, beautiful people, and they have a beautiful straight daughter who follows Jesus and two sons who have identified as Gay and who, as when I last heard, were no longer following Jesus. It doesn't always go in that pattern, there are Gay people who are still believers, and whatever the pattern there are a variety of issues to be faced, not always comfortably, despite the wishes of the Gay Pride movement that we'll address later on.
Three Groups: So I've just touched on three groups:
I'll mention the last group first:
1. Non-Gay but affected: These tend to be parents, often very loving and yearning for the best for their children (yes I know there are large numbers of uncaring parents) and I have caught what is sometimes the heart for these loving parents. Mothers who have dreamed of the day when her daughter stands at the altar with the man of her choice, but instead she has confided with her at some point in her teenage years, “I'm a lesbian.” Gone are the dreams and in their place something which deep down the parents know is second best and yet, in their love, they simply affirm their child. In the days to come there will be no natural ‘good news' that, “I'm pregnant” accompanied by great joy for the couple. (Pathways to parenthood are diverse among same-sex couples (e.g., surrogacy, adoption, biological child of one partner from previous relationship). Yes, there may be joy when intro-fertilization works with the help of some unknown, unloved male donor, but it's never the same thing. The meaning of ‘grandmother' is somehow diminished. But all the world isn't so understanding and so parents put on a brave smile when sharing with friends or other family what their daughter is doing as she leaves home and becomes Mr. or Mrs. with another Mr. or Mrs. Yes, we try to cover such things with joy and happiness but deep down there is an ache of another way that could have been.
2. Gay without Faith: This is a group who are easy to pass by because a) they probably won't be reading these pages on a Christian website and b) they probably don't care what we think anyway, but that shouldn't diminish any concern we may have for them - and yes, they may shout, “I don't want your concern, bigot!” but that is an emotion they have to deal with which is self-destructive. You and me, Christian, need to keep open, accepting, loving hearts towards whoever.
3. Gay with Faith: This is the most difficult group because here we find believers who love Jesus yet still hold to a belief that their heart direction is towards those of their same sex, so perhaps if I just move on with some wider but specific concerns they may help them address reality – which means they stay as they are, or they seek for change, and neither options are easy as I will now show.
PART 18.2 Addressing Difficulties Pastorally
Pastoral Focus: The word pastorally means we don't consider these things in a cold, intellectual and academic frame of mind but we seek to consider them, all the time bearing in mind that we are speaking of real human beings, as we said, made in the image of God and important to Him. There needs, from a Christian perspective, to be a balance between truth, integrity and loving care.
Facing Feelings: In the strength of their campaigning for removal of criminal threat for behaviour behind closed doors by consenting adults, and seeking to remove discrimination in the workplace etc., it would appear that such campaigners have been naïve (but perhaps they don't care) in respect of how they feel the rest of society thinks and feels about their outlook on life and their activities, in staking their claim on ‘respectable' society.
Douglas Murray (who is Gay) comments,
I mention this simply to point out that, having achieved those primary goals above, it appears foolish to ‘go over the top' which must inevitably cause some to question the wisdom of even allowing such demonstrations and the path this is taking.
When a young lesbian couple appear in church ‘all over each other' there were natural rumblings about such immaturity which would not be tolerated in a straight young couple on such an occasion. Was this ‘flouting' their cause, because if it was, it wasn't doing that cause any favours.
Similarly gay celebrities on TV, again flouting their difference by supposedly feminine antics (which do not please feminists) and appearing ‘twee' are, after all, seen quite clearly as a little bit as a joke by those around them on screen. Again they do little to help their cause unless that cause is of self-aggrandisement and personal publicity (which for ‘celebs' is all-important).
Facing Distinctions & Divisions: All is not sweetness and light in the diversity world – because it is diverse. Douglas Marray in his long chapter entitled ‘Gay' in his ‘Madness of Crowds', points out that
In the long passages that follow, note the following:
.. Gay men and gay women have almost nothing in common. It may be too pedestrian to even mention, but gay men and lesbians do not always form the warmest of relationships. Gay men often characterize lesbians as dowdy and boring. Lesbians often characterize gay men as silly and displaying a failure to grow up. Neither have very much use for each other, and almost none meet in any `communal' spaces….. …. Gay men and gay women, meanwhile, have a famous amount of suspicion towards people who claim to be 'bisexual' The 'B' in LGBT is a source of occasional angst within the gay media…. … But it is worth bearing these internal frictions and contradictions in mind when people talk about the LGBT community, or try to co-opt it for any political purpose. It barely exists even within each letter of its constituent parts. And each has little in common with the others…. …. the L's don't need the G's today, and the G's don't much care for the L's and almost everybody can be united in suspicion of the B's. And there is tremendous dispute over whether the T's are the same thing as everybody else or an insult to them. Still nobody is any the wiser about where any or all of this comes from. And yet it remains the means by which people are willing to identify vast swathes of the population and build one of the defining justifications and bases for the liberal society.
… and so it went on. Our point? Don't lump people together. People may identify as this or that, but they are still an individual, as we said above and often don't related to other groupings of that bigger community.
PART 18.3 The Particular Problem of Gay Marriage
Civil or Religious Institution: Gay activists have made the point that in their eyes, legally, marriage is a civil institution and should not be excluded from such an established relationship, especially by religious people.
As we noted in a previous chapter, gay marriage is permissible at law, but that is a very different thing from it being accepted in the minds of the public at large. A search of the Internet will find a wide variety of opinions for and against. At a mundane level, what is to stop a same-sex couple simply living together. Some might ask, why take ‘traditional marriage' norms and try to apply them to this context?
Traditionally, in the UK at least, traditional marriage was defined as, the coming together of a man and a woman, and the Book of Common Prayer used to state that was for three reasons that might be summarised as: 1. For the procreation of children,
… to which we might add in these more enlightened days… 4. For mutual pleasure in one another, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Where ‘church' is involved and God's name called upon, the questions still hanging over the sexual aspects of being Gay, as seen in Scripture, makes many a spiritual leader committed to the Bible, uncomfortable to say the least, and that is something of which the Gay community should be aware. To insist on acceptance is to insist that such a leader perjures their conscience and beliefs and is the equivalent of the leader asking them to forgo their sexual practices and their beliefs in who they believe they are. It is a no-entry street – from both ends.
The Depths & Potential of Marriage: One online website came up with the following perspective of life, or married life…... Most people yearn for and value an intimate relationship and, once established, a cohabiting, marital, or romantic union becomes a defining feature of their lives. Relationships inevitably go through ups and downs. At some points, partners impose stress on each other, and at other times they provide invaluable emotional support. Over the life course, relationships are formed, sustained, and inevitably ended through breakup or death, with profound effects on individuals and families.
…while another counselling site, noting the rocky road of many marriages today, commented, “ Domestic, sexual, physical and emotional abuse are very common within the LGBTQ+ community too.” Marriage can be wonderful BUT it can also feel a road to hell.
Some suggest that Gay ‘marriages' are more stable and long lasting than straight marriages but that fails to take into account, • The vastly larger number of straight marriages, • The greater likelihood of children in straight marriages and the pressures that can come, and • The relatively short time that Gay marriages have been around.
Loyalty & Commitment: Married couples enter into marriage full of optimism (mostly at least), hoping they will remain together throughout their lives in order to have and raise children and create a secure and loving environment for them. Outside of a strong faith, modern history seems to indicate that such a thing is rarely possible with the vast range of modern pressures that couples now find themselves with, which is why so many marriages do not last the course.
Faithfulness to one another is at least a starting point for most of those entering into marriage, although the increasing ease of being able to get out of it today, I suspect, makes many feel, “Well, if it doesn't work, we can divorce and try again with someone else.” From royalty down, that has become almost the norm. However, Douglas Murray, again asks some pertinent and revealing points:
What a fascinating quote! Look at the language; see what he says: - he questions the vulnerability of a childless relationship, - he wonders what the consequences will be of unfaithfulness to the one partner, - he reveals that among the (gay) first couples to get married in the US, they started from the point of ‘an open relationship', (i.e. a relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others) and - concludes by asking what we, the non-gay community thing of that? A mockery!
Monogamy or….? To pick up on Murray's speculation about monogamy, one online site, objecting to modern marriage observed, “that until two centuries ago, “monogamous households were a tiny, tiny portion” of the world's population, and were found only in “Western Europe and little settlements in North America,” which, the more one looks into the benefits of marriage, only speaks badly of early so-called civilizations, (should that statement be true) and the growing wisdom of the west (which we'll see in a later chapter). One might also add, and which came from the wisdom and teaching of the Church. That ‘tiny, tiny portion of the world's population' is a somewhat dubious quote when one considers the Christian population of the world that heralded faithfulness in marriages. What is more accurately said, is that formal marriages with solemnizing services, in the form we have them today, were not the norm, although the historic Jewish bringing a marriage into being made a much greater issue of it.
Polygamy, which we assume that writer was referring to, is seen in the Bible in early days – although refuted in New Testament teaching – always gave the man the power with more than one wife, who suffered. The example of Hannah (1 Sam 1:2-7) is a classic example, and the various wife-rivalry of Jacob (Gen 29 on) is not an example to follow, and neither was the multi-faceted family conflicts in David's family. Polygamy is shown for what it is – a breeding ground for unfairness, injustice, jealousy, and spite. The fact that the West moved away from that (according to that one writer) was clearly a good thing.
Fixity Again: But before we conclude this page, we should perhaps consider one further seriously concerning (from a pastoral point of view) issue of Gay marriage. Observing the general marriage market within the West today, it is obvious that, although both members of the couple may start out with good intentions of remaining true to one another, the facts reveal a common different outcome. Temptation is a real factor, sexual desire that soon follows concern or simply a developing relationship, as a familiar cause of many a breakup or of the man leaving his wife-partner. That is the straight world.
Now add a further complexity in the Gay world. In chapter 16.2 we observed the complexity and difficulty of what I have referred to as ‘fixity' – the state of being unchanging or permanent – but which according to Douglas Murray's experience within the Gay community is NOT a reality: Gay people do change to straight for a number of reasons (or at least those who say they identify as Gay).
So here's the added difficulty: straight marriages (and Gay for that matter) may succumb to temptation by one of the partners who becomes attracted to someone outside their partnership and enter into a sexual relationship with them (adultery). But in addition to that, according to Murray's experience, one or other of the Gay partners, with the passing of time, may change and no longer feel attracted to the same sex, i.e. their partner. Even more, they may feel characteristically (of straights) repulsed by ‘gay', a double pressure and strain on the ‘marriage' and an even greater tension that the relationship is unlikely to be able to withstand.
The reality of the lack of fixity of sexual identification (from both directions) has surely become an additional undermining effect when we consider Gay marriage. It will only be time that shows the reality of this, whether in say ten years' (or twenty) time, Gay marriage will peter out and be seen as a fashion fad of the 2020's, or there will be couples, still ‘married' in name only, who are surviving life by fluid relationships, or some who will certainly hold true and faithful to their original vows to their partner. As we say, only time will tell. (The same might also be said of the whole ‘marriage market' as well.)
PART 18.4 Conclusions?
It is a strange thing but it is almost impossible to draw conclusions on this subject, conclusions at least that will stand the test of time, because as Murray pointed out so clearly in Chapter 16, we don't know what causes some people to appear to be genuinely gay (as distinct from those who merely participate in gay sex), we don't know how long they will remain gay because experience shows that for numbers, they change. Perhaps one of the only fairly certain conclusions we may suggest, is that the campaigning wing of the Gay community will be unhappy about these pages, but if that is so, then we can only refer them back to one of their own representatives who has been the primary source behind these pages, a source who in all other ways shows great integrity, honesty, wisdom and understanding and experience, and who we would not be willing to write-off.
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